Perhaps it was too many hot toddies the other night while cross-referencing our newly updated company database with my holiday shopping list, but I started to wonder about Santa’s political affiliation. Am I supporting a holiday that aligns with my values, or just blindly following the crowd?
I did some research on the Democratic Party platform at the national level and the GOP’s Principles for American Renewal. After comparing party issues with characteristics of our most beloved holiday figures, here is what I learned:
Santa
Santa is kind and generous to everyone regardless of their backgrounds, immigration status, socio-economic level, or ties to Wall Street. However, he does maintain a naughty list that he is not afraid to use, and his preferred punishment is a stocking full of dirty coal.
Is it just us, or are do you sometimes wonder about his labor practices. Think about it: the elves work year-round, but the reindeer only work one day a year. Very curious.
Blue or red? Santa is a tough one, but we’ll have to go with blue due to his unwavering and egalitarian spirit of generosity.
The Elves
There is no doubt that Santa’s elves have an extremely strong work ethic. One attempt to unionize was dismissed with merry laughter, and it later was revealed to be an April Fools’ joke.
Additionally, the elves constantly innovate and seek to improve efficiency and safety in their workshops, which is a breeze since there are zero regulations in the North Pole. Instead, they rely on common sense, which has worked for hundreds of years. Why fix what ain’t broken?
Blue or red? Their self-sufficiency definitely makes the elves red.
Reindeer
Santa’s 12 reindeer have the smallest and strongest union in the history of the world. They work around the clock for only one day a year and enjoy the most amazing benefits the other 364 days – free room and board, access to the best veterinarians, unlimited amounts of hay and flight training time, and a contract with Santa that promises he will never move to another toy delivery system.
Blue or red? Blue all the way.
The Grinch
The Grinch was a slightly off-kilter survivalist who huddles in a cave with his dog way above Whoville, wanting nothing more than to disrupt and ruin Christmas by taking away all of the Whos’ joy on Christmas morning. He found them too materialistic, and of course his remedy was a draconian one: redistribute their wealth (by taking it for himself).
But then something miraculous happened. He realized Christmas was not about things; it was about love, sharing, caring, and community. The Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day, and he rejoined society, turning into an activist intent on ensuring every Who enjoyed a great quality of life.
Blue or red? He started out as a far right-wing nut job who wanted to impose his values on everyone, but then he turned into a bleeding heart lefty firmly in the blue camp.
Jack Frost
Not much is known about Jack Frost, and indeed there are rumors that he is actually a shadow group of hard core environmentalists who are trying to slow down the melting of glaciers and polar ice caps by turning water back into ice.
However, I have had the privilege to meet him, and I can say for certain that he is a fairy with impeccable taste in clothes and landscape design, makes a mean baked Alaska, and resides in a darling mountain-side cottage would make Martha Stewart jealous. Oh – and how could I forget? He is married to George, the top elf in Santa’s design studio.
Blue or red? A gorgeous sapphire blue.
